all of these words

do we realize?

2008-05-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

this one is for the ladies.

Ive been reading this book called Sex God, by Rob Bell, and instead of me telling you what to think, just read below. Be encouraged and think about some of this stuff.

heres a bit from the book.

"You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're god enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Becuase it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.

You are worth dying for.

You worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. You worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. YOu have inestimable worth that comes from your creator.

You dont have to give yourself away to earn a man's love. You're better than that. You're already loved.

Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with hono and dignity that are yours, it forces men around you to relate to you on more then just a flesh level.

You are worth dying for."

what the sunshine brings

2008-04-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

So, I’ve been looking at a lot of my old pictures lately, of my close friends.
And... I’ve realized this summer is pretty important. It marks change.

I am going to miss all.
You that I’ve been at my worst with, that I’ve made a school with, that I’ve hung out with, cried with, and that I’ve laughed with.

You guys have pushed me, taught me, encouraged me, and loved who I am.

I love you guys. That won't change.
Colleen

this to shall pass.

2008-04-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

hard weeks happen. we are warn and tired. but we move and we pass.
ive found alot of strength in "When i am Weak, then i am Strong"
i am weak. but God makes me strong.

this week we are doing 30 hour famine.
and i think the whole time i was lacking some seriously perspective.
i am raising money, and not feeding myself to feed children. to feed their families.
not to have cliques with my friends. or a bunch of confussion and drama.
for the children. to further gods kingdom.
and i am encougaed.

everyone also, check out sufjan stevens!
random throught for the day, but he is an incrediable artist.
really honest. throught out lyrics. i love it.

more posts soon. more happiness.

tower over me

2008-03-06T21:25:00.000-08:00

Keep me safe inside.
Your arms like towers, Tower over me.
'Cause we are broken.What must we do to restore,
Our innocence, And all the promise we adored?
Give us life again,'Cause we just wanna be whole

these words have been powerful to me.
they make me want to just fall to my knees.
Its from a song "We are Broken" by Paramore.

i found out stuff today.
and i guess it broke me. feeling really helpless.
i have so much to say to you. and im silent.
i just need to be there. i know my place.
and live for hope. that you will supply.

"your arms like towers, tower over me"
there is great comfort in great brokeness.
there is great power, in the most tired weakness.

"But nothing can heal like the touch of Jesus in someone's life."
Kyle Zavitz.

i love the sun

2008-01-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

my room has this huge window in it.
and the sun goes down on my window's side of the house.
and i get to enjoy the last bit of sun as it brings the day to a close.
right now. snow is being thrown around by the wind, but the sun, it just creates beauty.
and the sun never really changes.
it is always there. it may come and leave at different times.
but it symbolizes time.
the same sun that warms our faces in the winter, will be tucked away behind the clouds during the fresh rain in spring.
that same sun will highlight the beauty of nature in the summer and will escape to allow the tress to embrace their fall colours.

i love the sun for that reason.
it is there. highlighting the best and worst in our lives.

and the creator of the universe gave us the sun.
to keep us moving, encouraged about the future and warm.

i love the sun.

in light of everything

2008-01-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

these past few days have been hard.
i have been upset. i have been lonely. basically all over the place.
i cant focus. i dont know what i need to go.
i just felt like i was standing still, while everyone and everything moved past me and around me.
and its an overwhelming feeling. the feeling of being stuck.
unsure what my next should should be.
and its been hard.

alot of stuff has hit me hard.. all at once.
and i wasnt ready for it. and i wasnt expecting it.
i have been really happy. ive been feeling really blessed and at peace... so all of the stress and emotional strain hit pretty hard.

i came to God with it. i gave it to him.
i could talk to as many people as i want to about it.
i could ask for support. but nothing is like the grace and deliverance of god.
he supplied alot of peace. and im so thankful for that.
in light of all of the pain that i was feeling.. he was there.
and he took away what i could not take away myself.

Today i went for a walk. just to clear my head and fill my lungs with some winter air.
i was so taken aback by my walk.
as i walked through the nature area i was really taken given time to think.
all of the leaves where gone. the pond was frozen, just on top.
everything was just in the very fragile and raw state.
i could see through all of the tress. everything was very exposed.

and... isnt it like that with our relationship with God.
like trees, we have stuff that cover us from god; our pride, our pain, our addiction, whatever it is... just like leaves on a tree.
but in these moments.. where we experiance brokeness, where we are unable to support ourselves.. we are become completely bare and god see's all of us.
and thats when he can heal us. we cant hide ourselves.. and thats when god touches our hearts.
i am just feeling so filled, despite times of stress.

i am incapable, but the lover of my soul is capable. and i can rest.

life.

2008-01-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

im listening to Hungry by Joy Williams.
and i just read a blog by a close friend of mine.
and it just... pulled something in my heart. this real truth. something that was very real in my own life, but i just hadn't realized.

this past weekend i was at my camp.
and i was home. not home in brooklin.
i was just home. i was at peace.

that place is such an escape.
a place that lets you just become the raw person that god created you to be.
and i feel so myself there.

these people just surround you. and love you.
not the cheap kind of love. the heart on msn love.
this love, where they will sit with you and listen to every word you say.
that they will tease you, and make you feel cared for.
the love that is so evident when they smile at you. and so genuine.

they bring out the best in me. and thats so cliche.
but its true.
i can say the dumbest things. and its okay.
they laugh. and take me for this thing that i am.

i dont have to create myself. i have no image to unhold. no expectations to meet.
they see me in the eyes that christ sees me. and its just...
its incrediable. and im so thankful for that.
i have learned how to love. and how to be patient. and how to be weak. and how you be strengthed.

its a glimpse of heaven.
a place after life, that i, who am completely undeserving, will experiance.
and that gives me hope.

disabled

2007-12-23T16:24:00.000-08:00

last night i was sitting with my friends and we had a discussion that really got to me.

at the time, i didnt feel like arguing what they were saying. it was 3 against 1. and i didnt want to make a fool out of myself in attempt to make a good argument.

to be honest. i didnt want to argue about something so close to me.
i didnt feel like we were all on the same page. and i knew it would hurt me more.

the conversation topic started as abortion.
i am against it. and honestly.. im not going to get into that.. becuase that is not the focus of this thing.

anyways.. we then got on the discussion topic of aborting a child if they had a disibility. To end a childs life, becuase they have a mental or physically difference from what is considered normals.
and this got me. it hit me hard.

this summer i worked closely with children who lived their lives with a disibilty. Some things were harder for them, but some things came easily. They were entirely unique and loving and full of life. They were challangeing, and at times, you had enough, but... you found that in every child. The end result was this beatiful relationship. These children.. when i was writing about it the night before, just brough me to tears. They were... amazing. and a gift from god. a gift that we learned from, a gift that those around them were blessed to experiance. they were amazing.

i truly think that families that are blessed with these children are capable of loving their child the way that they need to be loved, the way that any child needs to be loved. God knows the hearts of the parents and knows their capabilities. more than that... he offers strength.

Another thing that camp up "There are so many children in the world... why would you bring another child in.."
its so true tho. there are so many other children in the world. but i feel that it is very far from related to a reason FOR having an abortion. it it entirely different.

What are we doing about these children? the children that are in foster care or that wait in an adoption home. not alot. i feel so strongly towards this. it pulls at my heart.
these children need love. its not to say we stop having children.. to focus on these kids. but we need to be responsible. we need to take action to love on others. love on others but ourselves.

i then got thinking about how this could really... effect me.
what about all of us?! we see these children and people with mental and physical challanges. and we all know they are effected by it. it is evident. but what about us?
all of us have a different struggle. one that is hidden. weather it is drugs, alchol, sex, disobediance, lying. whatever. we are all struggling with our own personal dissabilites. we are the exact same.

it just hit me really hard.
and i need to sort this out.

Colleen

10:27

2007-12-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

i have been talking to a friend of mine for the past 30 minutes.
and i have been really touched by our conversation.

we are talking about what we use to hide who we are.
and pressure.
and just not feeling okay. or happy. or feeling affirmation, that we all search for in our lives.

ive really discovered that i can easily slip into the space where it is so easy to just... push people away. i make funny and snarky/mean jokes. and i just... try to stay away from the point.
and i close my heart to everyone. because i dont NEED to let people in.

i want, so desperately, to get away from this.

i want to invite people in. and be gentle. and.. loving. and.. just. vanurable. i will allow people to hurt me, if that get one glimpse at the lover of my soul.
thats all.

i know ive probably written this before.
but. thats where im at.

Colleen

found.

2007-12-10T17:53:00.000-08:00

this really touched me today.
listen to the lyrics.

reflect.
let it be what it will to your heart.

Colleen.

holy weekend.

2007-11-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

okay. this weekend was so great.
im going to write about it in one word sentences.

hold on to your hats!

friday

sleeping.homework.write and play guitar. bens house. doll's name is sister. write music. listen to tunes. hangout. acoustic. . terrible music punishment. pizza pizza. late. best kiss argument. run to school. FREEZING. hellogoodbye. see old friends. stood behind counter. slide show worked. custodian broom leg. haha. got home. sleep.

saturday.

wake. work 10-3. good shift. canadian tire is so dry. static electricity. christmas sales. finish work. change in car. drive to markham. did a circle around the house. old friends. camp fire. huge hug. seriously sugar tea. melting golf balls. chocolate on ground. black graham cracker. laughing. no jobin until next summer. so excited for him. blankets. smores. inside. pictures. shocked faces. HIV... baha. smiles. man love. enter erika's dad. clean. sparkling juice. hugs. car. changing channels. gas station. frisbee. telephone booth. tim hortons. 2 cookies. warm drinks. cop cars. great conversation. laughs. outside. freezing fingers. pictures. set timer. run. fall down hill. jump. blurry. fake car. drive thru. black and white. soulja boy. dancing. hugs. goodbyes. driving. matts car. soulja boy. screaming. car wash. jumping. white background. guy getting pop. car vaccum. emo shots. school parking lot. leaving car. matts room. musical setup. hot chocolate. creepy puppet. plans. matts mom. goodbyes.

sunday.

wake up. church. sing. talk. sit. lunch. funeral sandwhiches. cake. laugh. leave. homework. 4:30. talking with Mr. Blackman. pumping music when justine gets out of work. laughing. go station. BUYING tickets. waiting. brandon arrives. did NOT buy ticket. cold platform. train. Chris Vezeau. talking on train. catching up. up stairs. brandon's music. ticket check. uhoh. gets out of it. arrive. white hot chocolate. mmmm. leave union. walking. freezing. cold wind. line up. find dave, dave and connor. find tyson and steve. hugs. get in. coat check. meeting up with people. metro station. techno. looked with rosa. fun music. Anberlin. incrediable. so music. too short. mae. dissapointing. love this band. all this new music. bah. loved the old stuff. talking with steve and tyson. Motion City Soundtrack. so much dancing. Dave Tysoe is amazing. brandon williams can dance. laughing so hard. no idea what we are listening to. pictures. hugs. leave. we leave. walk to subway. catch up with cole. subway. subway 2. subway 3. waiting outside for stupid train. in and out of hypotherima. no train. bus to mall. walk through mall. weird and sweet. cry ride. car ride 2. home at 1:30. fall into bed.

what a weekend!

where ive been

2007-11-05T19:09:00.001-08:00

this weekend was hard.
and i dont want to get past it.
ive thought about it. ive written about it. ive acknowledge it.
and im letting it go.

im really excited for this week.
and to be honest, there is not alot coming up.
but i feel like there is going to be alot of opportunity.
and. im not sure. im happy.

recently ive been download alot of John Mayer.
ive always loved his work. but... listening to his new stuff.
for where i am right now in my life. its so perfect.
He is so honest with his words. and hes not flashy. hes just... him.
and thats really cool to me.

i want to make music like that.
that really shows people my heart. and that really opens me up.
i think im going to really chase after that. and start working on some stuff.

ive been talking to a friend of mine lately. and they have really showed me alot.
they are aware of whats going on around them.
and they care about who they are... and what they, and other people are going through.
i feel challanged and really accpeted when i talk to them.
i see God really... i dunno, supplying this friendship.
very cool.

alright. i think ive filled my quota of happy.
deeper thoughts to come later.
smile.

for a moment.

2007-10-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

a moment hit me awhile ago, but ive been too busy to write about it.
Which is really discouraging to me. my life is full of school work, a part time job, and my own challanges and the struggles of my friends.
ive found this week that there has been alot that has hit me. Made me really think about my faith, and really examining my friendships.

and in all of this chaos. i didnt write about this moment.
this moment where i saw real truth.

i dont know why it hit me so hard. but it did. so bare with me.
i was sitting in tap class, and a girl was telling her friend about what she had done on the weekend and the consequences of her choices.
She laughed it off, and enjoyed the attention of telling her story, but then something happened.
She pulled up a chair at my table and sat down. she stared at the board for a minute, and on her face, she looked like she was processing a thought.
and her face just changed. her eyes lost their life.
she didnt smile. and something about it real hurt. her happiness gone.
it was this single moment where she knew this wasnt really her.
that it was easier to live a distructive life, then to face her own struggle and hurt.
her emotion was so raw, as if she hoped people would see her brokenness; expect it and take it for what it was. no questions asked.

that moments hit me.
as i walked out of homeroom... all i could think was "what just happened. what will happen?"

there is so much more going on behind the wall that we so easily put up, to hide our real, not so perfect, not very exciting, not so pretty emotion. We want people to be able to laugh with us, and get a rise out of our mistakes, even though what we have done truly hurts us.
and its so easy to get stuck in this kind of life.

the outside does not match up with the inside. Outside we smile. we make jokes, we hurt ourselves in a longing to be loved; with this hope to be accpeted for who we really are, but knowing that people wouldnt know what to do with it.
When really, inside we are sad. there is a hole that the "nicest guy", the largest sum of alchol, or our foolish choices cannot fill. These things temporarily numb our pain, and make us feel okay; okay about our pain, okay about our choices, okay about our future, for only just for one moment.
There is so much going on in the most hidden parts of our soul, but we become to scared to unconver our real selves. We can let ourselves bring our true emotion to the table, because we are scared that people will see it, and hurt us, or abandon us.

all of this is so painful.
and it can go away.
There is someone that delights and LOVES you so much. He wants to take away your pain. He sees where you are broken, he knows the depths of your heart and he longs for a relationship with you; you who are broken, or faking it or tired of living a pointless life.
He doesnt change his mind about you. He doesnt stop loving you. and whatever you do cant make him love you more or less then he already does.
he will NEVER abandon you.
He knows your real heart, and it isnt to dirty, or broken for him. He gives the affirmation that you cannot find in any boy, any girl or any friend. He brings joy that no amount of alchol can supply.

you dont need to work for this.
you just need to accept it.

empty handed but alive in your hands

2007-10-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

ive realized something this weekend.
this weekend i was at Acquire the Fire, in Hamilton, and for bascially the entire conference i was feeling discouraged. Everything that the speaker spoke about had no depth. i wasnt feeling challanged, bascially everything that i saw, sang and heard didnt connect with me. I was feeling really dry.
The theme of the conference was "Let Your Voice Be Heard". I think this theme was a really great idea, but its hard to grow with the theme. It was more like a step-by-step manual on getting your voice heard, and speaking out for your generation. I guess that i was going into the weekend looking for something different.
Regardless, what a beautiful idea! Many of us struggle with an overload of emotion inside of us, in the deepest parts of our souls, but negelect to let that come out, because it is not what is seen as "right" or "acceptable" for society. The theme was encouraging because it told believers how to express who they are, and the mighty God they serve.

Nevertheless, what i was hearing (before i was able to relate it to my own life), was challanging for me to learn from. Before the weekend i had a discussion with a close friend of mine, and he told me that he felt God was going to work in me this weekend. That he just felt God presences, and that it was going to be strong in my life. So, honestly, i did have expectations. But my expectations did not match up with what God had in mind.

During the weekend, there were two things that got me the most. The drama, and the last prayer that we did at the whole event. After seeing the drama, my life came into focus, and i realized that i have a purpose on earth, and it isnt of my own choice. Its Gods will for my life. That face, in itself, is a scary thought, but after seeing the skit, i was able to challange who i was, and how i acted towards the people that God so dearly loves, but that the world casts aside.This weekend i was challanged to change who i am. and to REALIZE that who i am, is not ME, but it is God in me. I am not defined by my talents, or where ive been, or what ive done. None of that matters in the big picture of things. and when we stress ourselves over the small things, to find popularity, affirmation in things other then God and happiness, we are left empty.
This weekend challanged me to live every moment to serve God. Our conversations with others, a smile in the hall, or just giving someone assurace that they are accepted, can have a bigger impact than what anyone would expect. That is how i want to live my life; earnestly seeking god, and loving others.

So that is why i have this blog. To share with everyone my thoughts, and my challanges and the brokeness that i experiance. Some days it will be silly and all over the place, but overall i want it to be a reflection of where i am at and how i am being changed. My prayer is that this can be honest, and that it not only challanges myself, but also readers, to be who they are HONESTLY called to be.

let see where this takes us.